November 2010

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Oct. 21st, 2010

Angie and her siblings were home schooled and their parents often let them do whatever they wanted. Their parents believed in new age material, do it yourself, letting the inner being be free sort of stuff. They were the wild children of the neighborhood running around at all hours of the day and night. They weren’t taught rules and boundaries. They could paint on the walls in their house and were often were the ones behind public vandalism. Structure was introduced to Angie when she wanted to learn how to play the violin. This also led her to enroll in public school (entering high school as a freshman). Her parents weren’t happy about it but Angie wanted to join a band and be a part of a group that wasn’t her family. A sense of independence from her family also came with this.

Her first serious relationship was with a very serious individual. She was with a woman who managed to get Angie to grow up. She introduced bills, taxes, and other real life responsibilities to Angie that had up until that point been taken care of by her parents. The relationship ended disastrously because Angie wanted to pursue a musical career and her girl friend thought she was stupid for wanting to do it. While Angie played enough coffee house shows it wasn’t as fun as she thought it would be. Making music was something she learned that should be a hobby.

The first time she saw someone die. Angie had been taking the bus home when the man sitting next to her had a heart attack. She had never realized how delicate and vulnerable the human body was and how short life could be. This motivated her to get her ass in gear and become a nurse. At this time Angie got back with her ex but the relationship ended when her girl friend cheated on her. What grew from this was the first and only time Angie had sex with a man to get back at her ex for cheating on her. It wasn’t a well thought out plan and she did it with her ex’s brother. Everything was wrong with the situation and she wound up not having the nerve to tell her ex because she thought it was embarrassing. However the experience had left her curious about her own sexuality because before that point Angie had always thought she was gay.

Angie got stuck taking care of her younger sister’s kid. Angie’s younger sister had “fallen in love” with some guy and moved to a small middle of nowhere town in Oregon with him and had his children (twins, boy and a girl) when she was sixteen. After three years of living there her sister’s lover took off. A year later Angie moved in with her sister to help her. A year after that Angie’s sister left to get cereal one morning and never came back. Angie wasn’t prepared for this and it destroyed her life. For the next two years she took care of the kids, struggling to figure out what the right thing to do was. At the end of it all she pawned them off on her parents and Angie left. She felt bad for abandoning her niece and nephew but she wasn’t ready for children let alone ones that weren’t her own.

Her life as of late has consisted of failed dating and work. There was a man that she was interested in but after a while he moved away. Angie hasn’t had sex in so long she’s a little hesitant to go far with anyone. Also she’s still scarred by her first and only significant others cheating. Angie knows that not everyone cheats or runs away but it is an irrational thought that is always in the back of her mind.

Jul. 29th, 2010

FML

All I do is bitch and moan and complain so this post won't be any different then any of my others. The twins come back next week. They'll be happy and oblivious to all the crap I have to deal with. Back to working long shifts, paying the damn baby sitter cause I have to work, being alone.

Oliver is gone. Which I mean good for him but not me. He's got stuff he's doing with his life so yay for him and shit on a stick for me. He was my only friend here. I have no girl friend. I have no friends. I'll have a job that gets me by and two kids who I don't want. There's nothing about my life that I like. All I do is complain. I hate myself. I don't know how to have fun anymore. I could shoot myself in the head right now. I hate. I just hate that's it. I'm full of hate and resentment. I'm an adult I should be able to live my life the way I want. Dump the kids. Sure. Then they'll be in foster care and we all know how great that system is. Their dad took off, Again.

I'm thinking of renting out the extra room we have. It's the kid's play room but I need the money.

Fuck My Life.

Jul. 6th, 2010

The kids are coming back soon. My summer is almost over. I’ll have to get back to work. Working more I should say I haven’t stopped. The house has been empty without them. Their jerk ass father is gone. I really don’t know what I’m doing sometimes. I started seeing this woman. The thing that drove her away was the kids. I don’t know what it is about the women I’m into but they hate kids. I guess I do to but I love my niece and nephew.

Sometimes I wish their mom would come back and be perfect and take care of them so I can go and live my life. There’s so much out there I want to do that I haven’t. I don’t want to resent them but sometimes I do. It’s not their fault that their mother…my sister was an idiot. I wish I didn’t have to take care of them. I know I don’t have to but what sort of life would it be for them in the foster “Care” system if I dumped them where they could get separated. I don’t know why – no that’s not true I know why no one else will take them. Everyone else in my family is like my sister. I suppose I’d be the same way if it wasn’t for my ex.

At any rate – someday I’ll accept my fate and get used to it. 14 more years and they’ll be off in college…14 more years I’ll probably still be alone.

Jun. 17th, 2010

Oli! Oli! Oli! Get drunk with me! The kids are gone for the summer! I can finally do adult things! FREEDOM!

May. 19th, 2010

MICE. Not the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E kind either. The fat ugly chew holes in your stuff mice. I put out mouse traps and caught one and Hunter had a hissy-fit. She didn't like it at all that one of them was dead. Marsden really could care less. Hunter has decided to become a vegetarian.

Does anyone have a cat I can borrow? I want these mice dead and gone. I don't know how long they've been here but one day is long enough. I'm not afraid of mice I just hate pests. Don't get me wrong I love all creatures great and small but when you start to get into my cereal boxes Game Over.

Across the kitchen floor they went. Like they were out for a nice jog. Seriously guys, does anyone have a cat they can loan me to kill these things?

Jan. 13th, 2010

Are there any ladies out there who like to run? As much as I love my music I like people too. Running buddy?

I'm watching American Idol right now and there was a girl from Tennessee who was so cute. I don't care that she was a little funny that accent made me want to make out with her. Southern accents are the most hypnotic things. Southern and Irish. The likely hood of an Irish voice coming here aren't that likely so I'm holding out for some southern loving.

I feel like I have three strikes against me. Being a single woman, who likes women, with kids here. I've joined some pretty stupid dating sites and most women don't want to come out this far or they hate kids. I hate them too but you know. What are you going to do when the parents are deadbeats. Not have a sex life I guess. I'm so desperate I might do it with a man or at least make out.